WHY THE FREAK AM I STILL ALONE?

Valentine's Day. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge anyone in love their chance to get knee-deep in mush and I'm as romantic as the next girl, but come on. This is the absolute WORST day of the year for those of us sans amour. The only bright spot is I happen to be getting my tax return on that day!

Before you shake in disgust and pronounce me a bitter, lonely jerk who can only sit around and gripe about everything, let me just say that I am QUITE CONTENT. I have not been this joyful in a long time. But I can't help but be baffled by my lack of male suitors. After some assessment of the situation, I am happy to report: IT'S NOT ME- IT'S YOU.

Firstly, I am a looker. Okay, okay, I may not be on par with the Scarlet Johansens or Shakiras of the world but I don't mind telling you I still get hoots and whistles when I walk past a construction site, thank you very much!

Secondly (and I started out with looks because, let's face it, you're all shallow!), I am very smart. Maybe not Nobel Prize-smart, but it's not like I'm called upon to solve complex mathematical equations on a daily basis. I was in the Gifted/Talented classes in school and my use of conversational English is superb.

Thirdly, I am kind. I not only have helped little old ladies across the street and fed the homeless but I've taken in stray kitties and have been known to sponsor not only children but endangered species of whales!

I happen to also be quite stylish. I have gotten compliments such as, "What a cute pair of earrings!" and "Wow- that's a pretty sweater!" and "Are those glasses prescription or do you just wear them because they're so unbelievably cute?" and "Where-ever did you get those boots?!" and my all-time favorite: "That's a FASCINATING shirt!" I have also been reminded by a gay best friend that I can pull off plaid pants and a leopard top. How? Bold fashion for a dynamic woman with flair!

On top of all that, I smell great. I mean, I not only BATHE daily, people, but I happen to own numerous bottles of expensive perfume and I'm NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM. If I haven't spritzed on Michael Kors I've dabbed on Marc Jacobs or Calvin Klein or Paul Sebastian or Dolce & Gabana or whatever other gay desiger is out there willing to take my money. The point is I smell as beguiling as a dozen roses, the very bouquet I should be getting for V-Day!

Finally, as if that weren't enough, I have received the following comments on my physical attributes: "Graceful", "foxy", "very pretty smile", "hard, tight stomach muscles" (from a doctor), "cleanest ears ever" (also a doctor), "incredibly soft skin" and much much more.

But don't cry for me yet, Argentina. I have dinner with a gentleman on the 13th so maybe someone FINALLY woke up and smelled the wonder that is moi. There, I said it!