Not-so Naughty Girls Need Love Too

Aaargh, I'm having such a tough time with Halloween this year! Well, it seems upper management took it upon themselves to make this the year where they hand out a cash prize to the Best Costume in the office. It's really not fair since last year- my first with the company- I wore a costume that I worked really hard on and everyone seemed to delight in and I was even told I was the best-dressed. Rats! And now I can't really think of a thing to wear!

If you're wondering what it was I wore last year, let's just say I dug up my old stand-by from the last six years but in my defense, I have to redo the actual costume (the part I wear on my body and not my head) every year. See, back in 2000 I went out and bought a flashy neon-pink wig at Hot Topic and at Party City I bought a pair of antennae and some bug-eye alien glasses and green face paint. Combining these elements I was the Girl from Alpha Centauri. Or whatever. Last year I wore the same wig, glasses, antennae and face paint but I dazzeled as well with my home-made plastic green dress I sewed myself and decorated with star stickers and my green tights and green arms (which were just a dab of green face paint and over which I wore cut-off green nylons which I'd painstakingly decorated with shimmering Sharpie squiggles).

Prior to being the Girl from Alpha Centauri every year I was a cow for a long time. I'd bought the costume back in 1993 in Hollywood and back then this outfit, complete with hilarious udders, was a novelty and I didn't feel bad about wearing store-bought. Now, though, I much prefer home-made creativity. But in the 90's I must say I got creative with best friend Walter who bought a very similar cow costume and we'd don them together and go grocery shopping. In July. It would have been quite uprorious anywhere else on earth but we were in Hollywood and no one batted an eye.

I perused Party City's catalog today and was disgusted to find that all costumes for women are of the slutty variety. It's like you have to be some skank out for cheap thrills to go out on Halloween! I suppose they figure decent women are out taking their kids trick-or-treating and that Christian women don't celebrate the stinking holiday. Not true on either count! But be that as it may- what's most upsetting is that they have these costumes not just in the adult women section but in the teenage girl section too! I mean, what kind of message are we sending here and what kind of school do they think will allow a girl to show up in a French Maid uniform? (I did back in 1990, I must confess. The football players seemed to like it.) Do you want your teenage daughter going out like this?

Even the Plus Size costumes are skanky. The usual Naughty Police Woman is kinda looking like she went to one too many donut shops and the Nun outfit in the Plus Sizes looks like she needs to say 25 Hail Mary's and 30 Our Father's for indulging in the Deadly Sin of Gluttony.

As if their regular costumes weren't skanky enough, they even have a "Flirty" variety which includes the collection that debuted last year from those brain-dead gals over at the Playboy mansion- The Girls Next Door. And their Premier section has some Betty Page costumes. I must admit, I like her. She was cool.

About the best I can come up with right now is to purchase one of their lame Greek Goddess costumes but spray paint it white and paint my skin white and my hair white and go as a Greek statue come-to-life. What do you think? Will I win the prize?